If You Find Another One,
Keep Pushing that Button 'till It Dies.

Missive the Fifty-Seventh

Too Many Antichrists.

Wednesday, February 14, 2001, at 0306 hours CDT.
Conway, Arkansas, USA

By D. Ebenezer Baldwin Bowles
CornDancer & Company

Personally, just to be frank about it, I think it's very hard to think. Putting the mind on autopilot is much preferable. Thinking makes me sleepy. I want to escape from it and float into deep and abiding slumber.

Once ago I detested sleep, but I've grown to love it now. I wanted to be like Napoleon or Margaret Thatcher, both of whom claimed they got by just fine on only four hours a night. It sounded so powerful and expressive, the potential of 20-hour days. I tried it for a while but my systems kept crashing when I least expected it.

I think because. . . . Because my thought, the expression of it, is the only capital I can find in the strongboxes of Cricket Song. “No wonder he's going broke,” the mean spirit said from her perch next to the circumscriptive limitaries — way up yonder in the rafters.

I see these guys, huge men with thick necks and beefy paws, wearing thick yellow suits and holding, in trained poses, their fire hoses. They're spraying hard civic rain on the protestors, who float and tumble on the concrete. The water washes away their blood.

Taco and I Are Prowling for the Antichrists.
Seen Any?

Have you noticed all the Antichrists lately? Have you seen any in your neighborhood? My sidekick Taco Dawg is helping me find them. I've put his photo on the page in case you're interested in seeing the hound at work. He told me about another website that's trying to maintain a serious discussion about the question, “Is Laura Bush the ANTI-CHRIST???” But when I tried to go there a familiar spirit had shut it down.

I wonder if the three question marks mean Webmistress Tammy Todd, the proud pagan, thinks we should be looking for hard and fast evidence to prove her wrong. Miss Todd, I suspect, is one of those wronged leftists, the supposed defenders of the weak and downtrodden, who've been quick to toss vitriolic Molotov cocktails toward the new rightist dumbos in Washington.

As Taco and I see it, we've got three kinds of Antichrist to sort out.

One is the run-of-the-mill enemy of Christ, the lower-case antichrist. We won't bother with them. Might as well read a phone book.

Another is the false Christ. There's a passel of 'em, too — and many of these false Christs become blurred and misaligned with the third kind, the one and only Antichrist, an ultimate agent of evil and herald of the arrival of the End Times. This one and only Antichrist comes to trick, seduce, and destroy much of mankind.

How to Transform
A False Christ into The Antichrist.

The Namers of Names inspire misalignment through fervor and striving to share a revealed Truth, revealed exclusively to them. First they pick a false Christ to champion. Then they seek to position their personal favorite as the one and only Antichrist. They write books, issue edicts, schedule seminars, and craft intricate charts. In their eyes — when I come near enough to see in 'em — I spy a weird fire.

I'm not sure what kind of Antichrist the new First Lady is supposed to be. Miss Todd and her cohorts at Alternative Religion, an about.com website, aren't so certain, either. They do know, most assuredly, that Mrs. Bush springs from the rightwing Medusa and is automatically dangerous.

“You're mixing your metaphors again,” saith Oksob the chastiser from his perch in the Opposite Loft. “Stay away from the classic myths. Your Antichrist is a thoroughly modern convention.”

Yes, but what about the orgasm machine they invented today?

“They'll hook the electrodes up to her and she will have an orgasm!” the radio voice said. “I don't even know the orgasmic history of the woman, whether she's ever had one or not, but it's clearly a real phenomenon.”

Is Laura B. the One? How Thin Are Her Lips?

The headline on Miss Todd's website reads: “Morality & Politics — Is Laura Bush the ANTI-CHRIST???” It denotes a discussion thread posted between January 25 and today.

Screenname LOGIK3 launched the discussion on January 25 at 9:10 p.m. “Is Laura Bush the ANTI-CHRIST? That thin-lipped witch with the demonic grin really gives me the creeps. And it's not just her looks. I think everyone knows by now that she once killed a young man by her criminal reckless driving and got off without any punishment at all!! Some THING is watching over her. What a combination in our White House. A retard for president and a satanist for first lady.”

Whoa! Strong meat for the shy and the innocent. Here I was tricked into appreciating the modest style of the demure lady from Texas. Now I have to wonder if there's more than a bee under her bonnet. I have to peer into the televised shadows to look for the THING!

LOGIK3's post sat, shimmering and unnoticed on the Alt. Religion website for ten days until the bait was taken. “I hope this was meant as a joke,” MAVEWITCH wrote on February 4 at 8:01 a.m. “No, I do not think Laura B. is the antichrist. Just a dull, respectable, probably narrow-minded Republican wife. She is pro-choice, however. Actually my husband thinks Barbara Bush is the anti-Christ.”

The Mavewitches were consistent in their wiccan way, willing with a witchy magnanimity to keep their Antichrist feminine and all in the family.

'Of Course He'll Be Jewish.'
Wasn't Jesus a Jew?

“Who will the antichrist be? I don't know. Nobody else knows,” the Rev. Jerry Falwell said thirteen months ago from a pulpit in Tennessee. “Is he alive and here today? Probably. Because when he appears during the Tribulation period he will be a full-grown counterfeit of Christ. Of course he'll be Jewish. Of course he'll pretend to be Christ. And if in fact the Lord is coming soon, and he'll be an adult at the presentation of himself, he must be alive somewhere today.”

Rev. Falwell said he figured the Antichrist would reveal himself within the next ten years. He said he wasn't anti-Semitic, either. Jesus was a Jew; then the Antichrist, too. A rabbi agreed, accusing the reverend of nothing more than millennial fever.

Rev. Falwell in his rustic eloquence lifts Mrs. Bush off the hook of the apostate. She's a Baptist. She's not a man. How could a Baptist woman be the Antichrist?

“Too bad the USA hasn't had a Satanic president . . . yet!” ALUCARDTES posted on the Laura Bush string, February 11 at 12:59 p.m. “Maybe this country would wake up and smell the reality of life.”

Does reality smell like Satan? What does a Satanic president smell like? What does a lie smell like?

“I can smell it,” Taco Dawg barked. He's a reformed coydog, who can leap backwards when a backwards leap is called for. He can tiptoe on the edge of the moat without falling in. “Smells like diphtheria,” he growled.

“Will she have repeated orgasms? From the observations thus far, yes.” What do you call that orgasm machine? “The application of spinal cord stimulation to treat orgasmic dysfunction.” That's not a name. “Is, too.”

“Hey — I take offense at calling the first lady a witch. She's not good enough or SMART enough to be a witch,” AVALONWITCH posted on February 12 at 12:02 a.m. “She's 'let them eat cake' Marie Antoinette. Seriously, though, did you all know that Laura and Barb Bush are both pro-choice? If their husbands won't listen to their wives, what makes any female in the USA — like the ones stupid enough to register republican — think the Bushes will ever care about any of their needs???”

Three questions marks again — must be some kind of code.

I've Gone Too Deep to Turn Back Now.
I've Gone All the Way to Berlin.

Have you ever gotten so deep into something that you can't give up the ghost of it, despite the gnawing realization that the thing you've gotten so deep into just isn't working? No amount of tweaking, reordering, or handstands can move it away from the mundane into the profound.

CornDancer's editor from Berlin just wrote, delivered promptly by E-mail to my DellHost.com PoP3 box, a summary of my present dilemma: “With the ones I talked to so far, I couldn't convince them to get engaged. Some of them don't want to get engaged for a longer time (meaning more than once) and some were insecure about whether or not they can write effectively in English. They tried to read your article (Missive the Fifty-Fifth, Who Wears Stars), which was sent to them when they joined the E-mail subscription list, and none were really able to figure out what you were trying to say. I have to admit that with my English abilities I had enormous problems, too, and wasn't really sure if I got it.”

Woe, the traps of the page, the pit of obscurity I fall into all too often. So be it, so be it. If you've gone this far, you're committed. The innerconnect of it all is phenomenal.

Dissolve back to TAMMYTODD, the webmistress, who posted a message on February 12 at 2:19 p.m. with this qualifier: “I received a response to the Laura Bush post via e-mail. I'm posting it here to invite you all to comment.”

The message read: “Laura Bush the AntiChrist? Oh give it a rest! Obviously these creeps have her confused with that socialist bitch on wheels Hillary Clinton. Now there is a prime candidate for the title! What did you do, run out of material and ideas and just resorted to this crap? What does this have to do with religion anyway? I have studied metaphysics since '68; it was still called the occult in those days. Just wanted you to know that I found this swipe inappropriate and unnecessary. How about equal time though with something like, 'Was Bill Clinton's first incarnation on planet earth as the Slime Ball from Outer Space?' If you are going political we might as well show both sides.”

Guileless in the Cluelessness of the Moment.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Six. That's just about the number of chuckles I shared with Taco Dawg here in the deep dark of a Cricket Song night. They were quiet chuckles, guileless in the cluelessness of the moment. I don't have a clue what I'm doing here. If I've demonstrated anything, it's the vapid nature of one aspect of the Internet I should have avoided. Discussion strings. Chat. The idle sputter of E-mail quickies about topical issues for surfers. Forgive me.

“These women, they've been to their gynecologists, and all the treatable causes for their inability to have an orgasm have been ruled out. To bring them for the first time to normal physiologic function, that is the goal of the treatment,” the physician said.

“Let's face it: we're talking about pure-D pleasure here,” the moderator said.

“The implant for the device has been approved by the FDA. It comes with a remote control.”

“I want one of these!” the woman in the balcony demanded. “I know you've got a treatment for their ejaculatory incompetence. Now it's my turn.”

Who Is John Galt?

Nero was the Antichrist. He was 666 personified.

Maitreya is the Antichrist. He will be like the Most High Buddha. He shall first appear in clouds above the tarmac at Denver International.

The Papacy and its long line of office holders are the Antichrist. Timetables of the prophetic timeline from Daniel to Revelation prove it beyond the shadow of the doubt.

John Galt is the Antichrist. “Who is John Galt?” the coydog asked. I didn't have the heart to tell him.

Each President of the United States of America since Mr. Jimmy Carter is the Antichrist, most ardently in Iran and Iraq. Just ask the million ghosts of holy warriors, hovering o'er the bloody battlefields between the two nations. They'll tell you the names of the Antichrist.

Bill Gates is the Antichrist. Just look at how many times 666 pops up on your computer files, the ones that explain the surfaces of the kernel's mysteries. How many hills are there in Seattle, anyway? The same number as Rome.

E.T. is the Antichrist.

“They'll just want to keep pushing that orgasm button on the remote control until they die.”


on Friday, February 16, 2001
(or thereabouts).
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