The English Paper Queen
And Her StarCraft Boys.
The Blood-Red Liquid Oozed
And Swirled in the Cylindrical Slimness
Of Jenny Penny's Marvelous Instrument.
By Jennifer McGee
Saturday, January 6, 2001.
DATELINE: Conway, Arkansas
Special to corndancer.com
(This incident is based, quite loosely, on the true story of college boys, their overwhelming workload, the kind soul who proofreads their papers whenever they ask, and their incessant playing of the computer game, StarCraft. The places and people depicted in this piece of fiction are indeed real, yet tweaked just a little for the sake of plot and fantasy.)
It was a distraught Signor Monkey who traveled (not really too) far from his province of Mullins 219 to (somewhat) distant lands, across (not so) vast oceans of carpet and (only so) monumental bathroom fixtures to the (quite) neighboring province, Room 203, on the second floor of Mullins Residence Hall.
In the Signor's hand was a research paper, ink still fresh on the page. He opened the door and entered to find a heated battle raging on the computer. The young Sirs MD Dab and Wolfman attended the game of StarCraft (a great computer foe of young sirs their age) with great fierceness. The young lady Jenny Penney watched, incredibly amused, on the sideline. Players and spectator turned to peruse the visitor, who bowed quickly and stated his plight.
"Prithee, Sirs and Lady, might one of thee be able to aid me in my distress?"
"Yes, brave Signor," answered Sir Wolfman. "How mayest we help thee?"
"Oh, 'tis terrible indeed. I have struggled for a solid hour in hand-to-hand combat with the first paragraph of my chemistry paper, and I fear I have not the strength nor linguistic skills to continue onward alone."
"Dear brother!" exclaimed Sir MD Dab. "I fear we cannot attend to thy needs, for we have a battle of our own in progress."
The young damsel watched, horrified at the overwhelming pallor of distress that cloaked Signor Monkey's face. "Fear not!" she exclaimed, jumping up. "I am sure that I can help thee!"
"No, fair maiden!" he exclaimed. "I cannot allow thee to attempt to vanquish this foe! My lady, thou art not wise in the ways of chemistry, having never formally studied the arcane science, nor art thou strong, for as thou knowest, being a fragile damsel, thou canst not wrassle. I wouldst not have thee annihilated."
"Fear not, Signor Monkey," Jenny Penny exclaimed as she reached to her belt, "for I have a weapon more powerful than any sword against the evil of research papers." She extracted a glistening knife by the hilt slung stylishly on her waist. "Oh, pardon me. I meant not my dagger." She sheathed the blade and quickly withdrew…. A pen!
"Red pen! Mightier than the sword, against science papers, that is."
The sirs marveled at the blood-red liquid. It oozed and swirled within the cylindrical slimness of the marvelous instrument. "And with that you may aid me in my perilous battle?" Signor asked incredulously.
"Doubtless." She rose, already arranging her long, pink skirts for the journey. At the lair of the monkey, they began to tackle the foe together. Jenny Penney ripped the vicious paragraph apart with her pen, leaving bloody wounds that Signor Monkey noted on the page and corrected on the computer screen. After another hour of combat, the monster was tamed and held at bay. Signor Monkey could continue onward and alone in his battle toward the end of the paper. In his glee, he removed his guitar from the closet. "Let us pause, fair Jenny Penny, and sing praises to the hour." Forthwith the Signor and damsel sang songs of joy and gaiety.
From that moment forward 'till the end of time, the young lady Jenny Penney was enthroned, reigning as English Paper Queen of the sovereign state of Mullins 219.
The Grammatically Correct Monarch
Solidifies and Extends Her Power.
Slowly, our grammatically correct and proficient monarch gained power. Her domain extended into new areas of expertise. Her academic conquests grew in number. She was well pleased.
In the aforementioned state of Mullins 203, Regent Jenny Penny became renowned for her wisdom in areas of composition and philosophy. On a small isle on the fourth floor she administered aid in Calculus, but after a while she commanded the boys in her charge to pay homage to her skills in Room 712 of her own castle.
To her maidservant she meted out advice for poems, essays, and history papers. She was especially delighted by the irony of her dispensation regarding Machiavelli's ideal monarch, The Prince. To a young student she provided glowing reviews for a college application essay. A bumbling knight, the dizzy Sir Gouda, who roamed and stumbled o'er an even further distant land, sought her aid in various quiz bowl projects, English essays, and a research paper.
All was wonderful for our monarch, who ruled with justice and fairness, allowing each to take or leave her suggested edits, bestowing to each the option of retaining his own voice (such as it was). She even made trips through the cold, dark nights to counsel to her subjects, who paid homage with small gifts of thanks. One offered a "thank you, your highness, you're the greatest." From another she won a juice box and a peppermint swiped from the cafeteria.
She would not and did not fail her subjects. Throughout the land she was reverenced and loved. Except for one, the evil Ferdinand.
He was a fiendish student of Physics and other quantum madnesses. He grew jealous of her fame, her talents, and the love of her subjects. Ferd could not bear the cold truth that Queen Jenny Penny was more loved than he, so he sought to eliminate his competition.
One night in a fit of rage and envy, he scaled the sheer walls of her castle, bound and gagged the maidservant, and kidnapped the English Paper Queen!
In the Harsh Radiance of Computer Light,
She Saw the Fiendish Face of Ferd.
Groggily, Jenny Penney opened her eyes to a fiendish dimness. Her memory was slightly blurred, but she seemed to remember the scuffle, a vain struggle to free herself from the clutches of a masked man in a black trench coat. Careful not to exacerbate the throbbing in her head, she turned slightly to observe her surroundings. The only light was a harsh radiance emanating from a computer screen. In front of it sat the fiendish physicist Ferdinand, typing furiously.
"Who art thou?" the queen whispered faintly. When the man turned his head, the glaring light reflecting from the thick lenses over his eyes momentarily blinded her.
"Well, it seems thou hast come-to after all. I was beginning to think I had frightened thee into such a faint that thou wouldst never wake. I am Ferdinand. I am what thou mightest call a Physics fiend, except that, like thee, I dabble in many other areas. And like thee, I am loved by my peers and revered for my knowledge, except that thou seem to be more loved and more revered than I. We can't have that, now can we?
"Without their little queen, the minions of the Residence Halls will have me to adore, see? Above all, I can use thee to proofread mine own papers so that I mightest get better marks. In all, it is quite a marvelous system I have concocted to vanquish thine powers."
The corpulent Ferd turned his back to the fallen regent. She could see in the reflection from his computer screen a twisted grin on Ferd's round face.
Queen Jenny Penny endured her forced labor with dignity and fortitude. The mad Ferd, physics fiend and captor, forced her to proofread his Humanities papers, rework and check his Calculus problems, craft graphs for his lab reports, and correct his horrendous French grammar. Hour upon hour she sighed deeply, wondering when one of her loyal charges would battle through barricades to rescue her, for she herself saw no hope of escape. Alas, knowing her boys, their studied indifference and self-absorption, she saw little hope of rescue, either.
Signor Monkey Launches His Quest
To Find and Liberate His Queen.
"I have sought audience with our queen many days hence, but I cannot seem to find her," Signor Monkey said to Sirs MD Dab and Wolfman. "I have a composition that direly needs her direction and insight."
"I regret that I have not heard from her lately, either," commented Sir MD Dab. "I fear something may have happened to her, for she normally visits often."
"Hark! Then shall I seek to find our dear highness' whereabouts. Worry not, dearest queen," he exclaimed as he drew his own red pen and flourished it in the air. "I shall find thee!"
Armed with naught but his red pen, his guitar, and a finely honed sword, Signor Monkey set off across the vast university campus in search of his queen. He raced to her castle on the hill and entered, hoping to discover a confidant, anyone who might provide some answers. Presently he found the queen's maidservant, still bound and gagged in the queen's chamber. "Fair maiden!" he exclaimed as he untied her. "What hast happened to thee? And where is thy queen?" She related the horrendous account of the abduction, describing with tremors and wailing the masked, cloaked man who took her away.
"Aha. I knowest this man. He is that fiendish student of Physics, the fatted Ferdinand, who liveth in a great tower on the great hill. I shall find him and demand that he release our dear Jenny Penny."
Signor Monkey bowed, then set out on his journey, trekking across the broad campus until he reached the great tower. Gazing up to the ninth floor, he gasped. A sorrowful face in a window proved to be none other than our English Paper Queen.
"I must reach her," Signor Monkey decided, but this would require distracting the guard at the gate of the tower. Signor Monkey had a plan. Signor Monkey always had a plan.
He casually sauntered up to the gate. "Prithee, Sir, canst thou tell me what hour it it?"
"Why certainly," said the guard, who looked at his wristwatch. "It is the ninth hour."
"Is it not time for thine favorite soap opera?" he asked. "Why, indeed it is," exclaimed the guard. "But thou must depart before I leave my post to watch it." Signor Monkey jumped gracefully onto the wall beside the guard and began to turn somersaults. The guard stood amazed at the agility of the Monkey, who with agile suddenness leaped upon the stunned guard and bound him to a green ash tree.
"Poor chap. Never stood a chance." Signor Monkey dusted off his hands. Invigorated, he scaled the stairs to the ninth floor, found the room of the evil Ferd, and burst inside. Seated at the computer was his foe. On the floor, surrounded by reams of paper, sat Queen Jenny.
"Hark! Who art thou?" exclaimed Ferdinand.
"I am Signor Monkey. I have a paper to be proofread. So please excuse me while I punch thee in the nose and take my queen out of here so she can return to work."
A great fight ensued. The combatants sprawled and brawled across the small dorm room, knocking things over, sending papers flying, and creating all sorts of collegiate havoc. All of a sudden, a cry arose.
"Excuse me!" shouted the queen. "I appreciate thee, Signor, and most thoroughly honour thine attempt to rescue me, but I do abhor the thought of being used. I am not thine English paper wench!"
The two brutes did not seem to hear. Slightly battered and bruised, they paused from their combat long enough to challenge one another to a formal duel.
"StarCraft. Winner take all." They leaped to the computer and began to play. All else disappeared. The queen glanced at them and rolled her eyes. When they were thoroughly absorbed in their game, she walked out of the room and returned home.
Thou Art Forgiven, the Queen Decrees
As Life Slips Back toward Normalcy.
"We apologize sorely for our actions, your highness. From now on, thou art highly revered by us, and we shall thank thee properly for thine justice and kindness in proofreading our papers." Sirs MD Dab and Wolfman, Signor Monkey, and Ferdinand knelt before Jenny Penney, begging her forgiveness.
"It is truly my pleasure to help thee with thy homework. Yet I do appreciate that thou wilt at least keep it to reasonable hours of the day, not midnight, and wilt thank me, which is only proper. Thou knowest that I love thee all and want naught but thy well-being." She smiled on her subjects. "Now, Ferdinand and Signor Monkey. What of the game of StarCraft?"
They both grinned sheepishly. "Well, your highness," explained Ferdinand. "We were at a deadlock when the network connection was lost. We then called a truce and set out to find thee. I do sorely apologize for thy kidnapping. I feel thoroughly admonished for mine actions."
"Thou art forgiven," she demurred. "Life is back to normal. Peace reigns once again in my happy kingdom!" Jenny Penny the English Paper Queen rolled her eyes once more as her boys quickly returned to their computers. The bloody battle resumed.
She sighed. She shrugged. She smiled a sly smile.
"Boys."
Jennifer
McGee
A
Personal
Note
Written
at
CornDancer's
Request.
It feels kind of strange to be nineteen, knowing that in less than a year I will have officially left my teens behind. But it's a part of growing up, and I take the changes greedily and readily as they come to me.
I am a freshman at the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville where I am majoring in nothing particular at the moment. Hey, I still have lots of time to decide! This is the first time I have lived away from my home of Conway, Arkansas, where I was born in October of 1981, and though it has lots of challenges, it is a beneficial and exciting experience.
I miss my family, though: my parents Bill and Darlene; my darling and spoiled weenie dog Ellie; my sister Regina and my brother Larry (who are respectively 15 and 11 years older than me; yes, I am very much the baby of the family!); and my precious nephews Alex, Stewart, and Seth (and a brand-spanking new one due to arrive in April).
I consider my life a blessing from God that He gives me daily to live as productively, honorably, and worthily as I can. In all I do, I try give back to Him all he gives me, though I can never fully repay the debt. He is the ultimate reason for all I do.
